Validity

*disclaimer* This blog is not intended to bash on anyone. This is an outlet for me to share how I am feeling. Please do not judge. Please do not assume anything. Feel free to leave comments not criticisms.

I don’t even know where to start. I love Nick more that I ever thought I could love someone. He has shown me a new world. I could not imagine my life without him. He is the glue that holds me together. It didn’t take me long to figure out that my relationship with Nick was going to be permanent.  Marriage has been a regular discussion in our household recently. I am sure I am just driving Nick crazy. More so, I am driving myself insane! Everyday that passes that we are not married eats at me. I have been here before. Nick is NOTHING like my ex, but my past is haunting me. I don’t want to be the live in girlfriend anymore. I don’t want to me THAT girl that settles for the forever girlfriend who is always hoping to get married. I want to be Nick’s wife. Every time this conversation is brought up with Nick, I just know he doesn’t understand what is going on in my soul. I don’t just want to get married to get married. It’s not just the next thing in my timeline.  It’s much more than that. I need validity. I need to know that our love is permanent. A lot of people will argue with me about this. “You don’t need a piece of paper to prove your love.” True. But marriage is more that a piece of paper. It is an eternal vow. Marriage is acknowledging that it is no longer a solo adventure. Marriage is the beginning of a life outside yourself. Marriage is knowing that you will never be alone ever again. This is what I believe and this is what I want to share with Nick more than anything. I want him to know that He will always be my priority, I will always be his number one supporter, and I will take care of him to the best of my ability until the day I die. I want to take his name proudly and begin a family with him. I have never wanted anything more.

Why the hurry? My reply is why not? Why would I NOT want to share my life with Nick in a way that only two people who have made that commitment can? I have never been more sure that He is the one I want to share my life with.

Well then what the problem? I don’t know. Perhaps that society  has put this huge pressure on people that getting married isn’t just committing yourself wholly ’til death to another but that it has to be this elaborate ceremony with all the bells and whistles and a ring to show off to the world and that you need to share that with a ton of people who don’t even know anything about you. Pride.  Finances. Bleh Bleh. I let my fantasies of this take over the actual dream. And now Nick has those fantasies stuck in his head or at least that is what I think. My dream is to be Nick’s wife…and I don’t care how that happens. I am over all the hype.  I don’t need to run up to all my friends and family and show off a glitzy piece of jewelry. In no way  will the size of my ring represent how much love Nick has for me, there is not a ring begin enough. I just wish he could see that.  I wish he could see that I would run away to the courthouse with nothing on my finger if that meant that I could be with him for eternity. I don’t need the world, I just need him.

Then my insecurities start showing up. Everyday I try and figure out why we aren’t married yet. I ignore the most likely reasons and create ones out of nothing. Maybe if I lost 20lbs, Maybe if I wore better clothes, Maybe if I did the house chores in a timely matter. I start to beat myself up and think that it is because of ME that we aren’t married, that Nick doesn’t want to marry me. These are far from the truth. But in my brain all you need is love to get married, and since we are not married I guess that means there is a lack of love… CRAZY, right? That’s what Nick said.

Why do I need this? I don’t know. I don’t know why I need the validity. I just do. I want to feel secure. I want to feel like an honest women.  Does it matter? I love Nick, I want to be with him forever, I want to be his wife. End of Story. I don’t think there is a better reason to get married than that.

that boring ol’ Bucket list blog.

Hello World Wide Web.  Today’s blog may or may not be pure nonsense. I really am wanting to type something good and exciting but nothing has come to me yet. If you are a reader you would already know that I have blogged about my current relationships status. Although I could go on and on about how wonderful things are I am wanting to avoid blogging on the same topic in such a short period of time. So now what? Politics? YUCK! Religion?BOOOO! Homosexuality and Marriage? Pish Posh.  How about just AWESOMENESS!? Ooo A bucketlist! Bingo! But really? How depressing. I think it will be fun anyways. I will configure a bucket list and I will probably never look at it again. I would hate to be close to death and see all of the stuff I never got to do. So here we go…

Marry my Best Friend and Lover (one person)

Conceive, Bear, Raise my own children

Open up my dream Coffee shop

Run a full marathon

Visit far away lands; Greece, Ireland, Dubai, Australia, Spain, France, etc…

Get my scuba certification

Own a horse

skydive

visit Washington D.C.

shake the hand of a President

grow a garden

relearn to play the violin

learn the piano

get caught in a rain storm with the one i love

backpack the continental divide

be on tv

win the lottery

rescue an animal

go on an African Safari

find buried treasure

travel through time

have my own art studio

live off the grid

visit the Redwoods of Cali

stand where nobody has stood before

hug Josh Groban like full on frontal hug sesh.

buy a brand new car

own a house

go through an extreme makeover

see the northern lights

see all 7 wonders of the world

go deep see fishing

be in music video

 

Ok I am bored with this. I guess that it is for now.

 

 

that mushy sappy silly thing called…

 

Oh Boy, World, life has been so crazy I haven’t even thought once about blogging. And by crazy I mean WONDERFUL! Life has given me a little surprise. (NO BABIES!) A surprise I never thought would come. I met this pretty outstanding guy. He has completely swept me off my feet. I can’t even begin to explain how wonderful he is to me.  No red flags, nothing he has done has made me think that this is a bad idea.

” We accept the love we think we deserve.” –The Perks of Being a Wallflower 

That quote is all too true. For almost all my life I accepted a love that I thought i deserved, which was not much. With said new guy he has shown me in such a short period of time that I deserve so much more and he wont give anything less.  It makes me wonder why I ever settled for anything less.  Why do we do that to ourselves? I can tell you why I did or why I think I did. I was scared and had no self respect. I thought that there is no way I could have a guy like Matt or like Cody ( my brother in-law and brother). Those two men have been leading examples in my life of how men should treat women. For some reason I thought I would never be good enough to be with a someone who thought I was good enough so I settled. I settled for a life I didn’t want. Even when days were good I always thought about everything bad. I think we do it to ourselves ladies. We allow it, and that’s where we go wrong. Demand to be treated like a queen. Don’t make excuses. You are the Prize. Act like the Prize. Once a guy realizes that he doesn’t have to work for you, he wont. Opening a car door is NEVER inconvenient. There shouldn’t be a distance he wont drive to see you. Let him buy you flowers, even if you say you don’t want them we all know you do. If a guy wants to be with you he will do everything in his power to do so. In past relationships I had to work so hard to get attention. I was making plans, and doing the chasing. If a guy isn’t doing the chasing, its not going to work. When something is effortless, when you get to sit back and just watch everything fall into place instead of frantically trying to place pieces where they belong that’s when you know its good. That’s how I know. Everything is just right. I’m not up losing sleep about how he may or may not feel about me because I know, because his actions are consistent with his words.

 

Ok Ok. I had to. I had to post about it. This is the real deal. Sorry if i caused any vomitting. Sometimes I cant even stand how giddy I am.

Dating 101

I was sitting here thinking about dating. It’s been on my mind recently since I started going on dates with a really awesome guy. We’ve only had two dates but there are still so many questions. When should I…? Should I..? Is it ok to…? How long should I wait to…? What does this mean? (This mostly is a girls read because I am not sure if guys have that many questions.) I’ve been doing some google searches and asking for “Mom’s advice”, and going back to the books but nothing matches up. I don’t think there is one RIGHT way to dating. If there was only one true way to date then we would be identical humans.  You can’t force attractions, chemistry, a connection. There are no rules on how to magically make those feelings appear. I feel that if two people really like each other they don’t need any rules. The attractions are naturally there so there is no need to TRY and make it work because it just does. When two people like each other, it happens, everything happens as it should. Do what you are comfortable with. Do what makes you happy. If you want to see that person two days in a row, go for it.  I only encourage this if the feelings are mutual. DON’T FORCE IT!  And when you know, you know. The heart is a powerful thing.  Follow it.

Haiku for you

October is great.

Leaves green to red and yellow.

It is time for Fall.

promo.

The following is my brother describing an upcoming website he is working on.  I envy my little brother. He is way smart. His writing is brilliant and his love for  true music is desirable. 

 

I am creating a both social and resourceful music web site that is truly different. I came up with this concept with the hopes of rekindling the excitement of sound discovery. Unlike the big dogs(IE pitchfork, stereogum, GVSB), It will not have the intent of showing whats new or the next biggest thing. My key component is “here is what you have missed.” 

These websites have two flaws that I can’t seem to get over. 1) a grading system  2) an ego. These websites have grown to godlike supremacy, that its made the “trusted.” In other words, kids can go to these sites, look, and see whats good. “Hey they gave this band, an 8.3 out of 10, I want to listen to them.” That is stupid. That right there creates lazy listeners. Let me explain:

If you have a website that grades, it does no good for the readers nor the bands. If a reader goes on and sees a 2.5 out of 10, they wont even read the review and move on to the above 8’s. That is crap for the band, because it’s awful promo, and for the readers, it makes them close minded. A majority of the music society relies on trends, like the fashion world. They go to see whats “new and cool” according to the website. In turn they keep coming back because they keep hearing the newest and coolest thing. What this creates is a close minded listener. Like a child who grows up in the church, only knows a narrow bridge of ideas, and shuts off to everything else. WE NEED TO AVOID THE COOKIE CUTTER SUBURBIA LIKE MUSIC CULTURE.

How am i going to change this??

I want to create a website for the passionate listeners and for the future passionate. When they go to this site they wont see grading systems or flashy music propaganda. They will see music lovers sharing and educating what they love. 

Each review, article, whatever, will be written with the intention of guiding the reader through and album, much like a instruction manual. We give the reader a pure analysis of what to expect from an album, diplomatically. What this does, is gives the reader a vivid knowledge of the album going into listening to it. This puts the reader in the position of pure discovery, like it should be, with no bias. It will be like seeing a band for the first time, with no influence. pure music nirvana. Now, I can’t just leave them with that, I want a stamp, a certain notable signature that our website will have. Instead of leaving them with a grade, I want to leave them with something that will intrigue and foreshadow their listening. All it will be is a single sentence of exactly what the album sounds like. This can be goofy or elaborate. But short and sweet.

Example: The world has ended and you are awakening to find that everyone is gone and you are left on this shattered rock alone.

^It’s dark, I know, but it gives you clean situation to help with your aural stimulation. Because that’s what makes us excited about music in the first place. How it makes us feel, or what it reminds us of. Not who it sounds like or how edgy it is. Music is meant to migrate our minds to a different place. My goal is to bring back this sensation.

I want a website that will become a society of people who love music talking to other people who love music just as much. I cant tell you any more specifics, or details,, its a surprise  But expect this website to become a place where music old and new that has been left in the seams of an old hartmann carryon, to be awaiting for you to open it up and listen.

Stay tuned guys.

My music evolution

This morning I was realizing that I haven’t written a blog in some time. I was trying to think of what I could write about and the approaching fall weather just wasn’t going to cut it, so I dug deeper. AH HA! My music Favs throughout the years of my being. I thought this would be interesting and fun, not only for readers but for myself as well.
SO….Here we go!

I’m going to skip birth to 6th grade because that was less of an individual taste and more of what my parents would allow me to listen to, which was A LOT of KLOVE (christian radio). Even through junior high there was a bit of parental control but with more room allowance for individual preference. If my memory serves me right I listened to a lot of Christian rock, punk rock, alternative, and pop.

Junior High Years ( 7th- 9th grade)

Relient K- Sadie Hawkins Dance

NSync- Gone

Evanescence- Bring Me to Life

Ryan Cabrera-On the Way Down

High School Years (10th- 12th grade)

Still very into mainstream pop in my early high school years, around mid junior year and on was when i started to go outside of mainstream and search for different sounds and tunes.

Keane- Somewhere Only We Know

Hilary Duff- Come Clean

Usher/ Alicia Keys- My B00

Junior and Senior year,I started to go for harder music, not so girly pop music. I liked stuff that was loud and made people angry. I gauged my ears and died my hair. GRRR hardcore, emocore, metal, rock, grungy stuff. I must have been an angry teen. I was behind in years though. I found myself listening to albums from previous years.

Underoath- When the Sun Sleep

Emery- The Ponytail Parades

Still Remains- White Walls

Maylene and the Sons of Diaster- Caution: Dangerous Curves Ahead

After graduation I will went through this horrible phase of just blending with the people I hung out with, I did a lot of partying and really just wanted to “fit in” and “be cool”. I was good through out school and never got into trouble so once graduation hit, I rebelled. My music was really all over the place, blending in with whatever was going on at the time. Anything that got the “guy at the time’s” attention, sadly.

Shop Boyz- Party Like a Rockstar

Slightly Stoopid- Collie Man 

Chiodos- The Words Best Friend Become Redefined

Around Spring 2008 I settled down and up until October 2011 was in a relationship. My Music was greatly influenced by Jim. I never really listened or liked country until We started dating. There was a lot less loud angry music and more sentimental music. pop, alternative and lots of country.

Jordin Sparks & Chris Brown- No Air

Keith Urban- Only You can Love Me This Way

Eli Young Band- Crazy Girl

Alanis Morissette- You Oughta Know 

Zac Brown Band- As She’s Walking Away

Adele- Someone Like You

From the late 2010-2012 I really started to embrace more indie music. Brother is a huge musical inspiration to me. He has helped me discover a whole new musical world. I love folksie stuff, mellow, chill, instrumental, classical, post-rock, ambient, electronic, singer-song writer.

Bon Iver- Minesota, WI 

Tycho- The Disconnect 

Evening Hymns- Cabin in the Burn

The Album Leaf- Always for You

Goldmund- In a Notebook

Sigur Rós- Sæglópur

I really could just keep going. It is funny to see how I’ve gone from teeny bop Nsync to complex and mature Sigur Rós.  It is still fun to go back and jam out to some of those old favorites.

 

Side Note: It took me forever to figure out how to post a link with out actually posting the video. I am glad I finally learned. Hope you enjoyed todays Blog.

rain rain [don’t] go away…

Today is such a marvelous day. I absolutely love the rain. This morning I chose M83’s Hurry Up, We’re Dreaming album as a getting ready soundtrack, with the thunder in the back ground, it truly was awakening.

 

How about a music awakening!

I owe most of my music discoveries to my brother. He has introduced me to such a beautiful world through music. Most of what I listen to now he,at some point, recommended to me. Today I will share with you Evening Hymns. Haunting, Mellow, Cool. Great music to listen to on a day like today or any day for that matter. I am literally obsessed with his voice. Here are a few of my favs, CHEERS!:

 

 

 

back to the basics

It’s time my friends, time for a lifestyle change. I am ready to begin a journey of awareness; spiritual, physical, mental, environmental. I want to starting doing and stop dreaming. The change starts with me.  I can do this. I’ve gone seven whole days without food, which at the time seemed so impossible, but comparing that to a whole lifestyle change it seems only a mere hurdle.  It’s so easy to say you are going to do something; the hard part is actually doing it. I have to do this, for me. I feel that putting this out there will keep me accountable.  Maybe even spark something in you, to start following through or things you want to change in yourself.  Some of the changes I want for myself are minor and some major. I know this is going to take time and I can’t expect to wake up and just be the person I’m hoping to be. Old Habits are hard to break, but they can be broken. I remember when I was a thumb sucker. I sucked my thumb through 4^th grade. It was time to stop. My mom gave me an incentive to stop. If I stopped I would get an American Girl Doll. At the time just the doll itself cost $84. My mom told me it takes 30days to break a habit, so that was my goal. I had 30 days to stop sucking my thumb, something I had done 8 years straight. I guess you could say I was extremely motivated to get that Doll and I stopped in less than 30 days. With that said I know it is in my somewhere, that little spark of motivation, that hint of perseverance, waiting to be ignited again.

What I am looking to become:

Eco-friendly as much as I am able to be

Health conscious and aware

Natural

Spiritually aware

Organic

Resourceful

Hippie, granola, tree hugging, love all, nature queen goddess of the land (in extreme sense). I feel like I have always had this in me, my family would agree. It’s just a matter of putting it into play, be who I naturally am, and stop trying to be what people want me to be.  Personally, I think we all need to be who we naturally are and go back to the basics. Society tells us to add unnecessary things to ourselves to improve our being but we are actually and naturally equipped to be awesome. I need to remind myself this every day. I also need to remember that this is a personal journey. I cannot expect people to do the same or even like what I am doing but I should respect their own lifestyle in hope to earn respect for mine.

I plan to keep you all posted on my journey. This is only the beginning. There is much for me to do still to get me on my way back to the basics. 

Not what I was expecting to write…

I want to blog but can’t seem to muster up anything good, Apologizes.  The combination of not having a computer at home and having a lot of down time at work mean that I am discovering all sort of nonsense on the internet that sucks me in and demolishes my brain. I need to figure out some things I can do besides scoping internet mumble jumble. Such mumble jumble would include but not limited too; countless videos on YouTube, Pinterest, People of Walmart, BuzzFeed, Craigslist.

Patience. Sometimes it’s really hard to have patience. It’s so hard explaining stuff that seems so simple to me but it’s like rocket science to someone the people I work with. Like Copy and Pasting. Ugh. It’s not as simple as just telling them to highlight the text you want to copy and then paste where you want to paste. This is how you have to do it:

1. Move cursor to beginning of text that you want to highlight
2. Left click and hold
3. Drag cursor (while still holding left click) to end of text
4. Release
5. Move cursor so that it is hovering over highlighted text
6. Right click
7. Select copy
8. Move cursor to where you want to paste
9. Right click
10. Select paste

And even that is complicated. Sounds rudimentary but maybe I am not very good at explaining things. By the way that last sentence was pointless; I just wanted to use that big word.  

I wish my creative juices were flowing so that I could write something worth reading. I was tempted to come up with some crazy events and blog about them as if they actually happened but I don’t even have the slightest creative juices flowing to do that.

AH HA! Something finally,

Father/Daughter relationships, something I don’t know much about. Growing up, before the year 2001, I always thought my parents would be together forever. I think that’s every child’s hope.  I never thought that I would become a statistic. I imagined growing up and having all these great memories with my dad. Today, I can tell you, I can’t really remember any “great” memories. I can look at pictures and try to remember but I probably couldn’t tell you any awesome stories of crazy stuff my dad and I did. No fishing trips, No stories of him harassing my boyfriends, No father/daughter tattoos, Drivers Ed. taught me how to drive.

 My Dad started working overseas when I was 7 maybe 8 ( Mom, correct me if I am wrong) He was gone most of the time. He came back for maybe 2 years when we moved to Nebraska for a job he was offered as a youth pastor. After those 2 years he was back overseas. But even while in Nebraska I can’t really think of any great memories. It makes me really sad. Could it be all the hurt has completely erased all good memories I may have had with my Father?  It’s funny how the brain works.  2001 was the year my parents got divorced. “I’m not divorcing you, I’m divorcing your mother” rings true and clear to me. I remember my Dad saying that to me and then quickly vanishing. My mom struggled as a single parent. My Dad was the bread winner and when he left he didn’t leave anything but pain. He failed to support his kids not only financially but emotionally. He hardly ever called, He literally disappeared. It blows me away just thinking about it. He was never a dead beat Dad until he left overseas.  It’s as if he completely forgot who he was and his responsibilities as soon as that plane took off.  Although we took a huge financial hit as a family due to him not paying child support and am almost thankful he didn’t. I am almost certain that if he paid child support that he would still be overseas. Not paying is what brought him back to the states, unwillingly. His passport was revoked. He eventually made his way back to Arizona, what seems like not that long ago. I don’t remember the exact date but I saw my Dad for the first time since 2001 in-between the year I graduated (2007) and the year my brother graduated (2008). That’s at least 6 years of my life, probably the most crucial, that my Dad missed out on. Not even to mention the years before that where he spent most of his time overseas. Since our first meeting, I’ve been “trying” to work on a relationship with him. It’s really hard to build something from nothing. I am an adult now. I, for the most part, don’t know what it’s like having a Dad, so to try and have one now is really weird. I try to think that I am past the hurt and anger, but I’m not. I more or less just brush it under the rug. Even now I am fighting the tears.

I remember watching my friend Hannah and her Dad dance at her wedding and at first just smiling because she was so beautiful and thinking how lucky she was to have that moment, and then the tears came.  I was so sad. That is a moment that I will never experience. No matter how hard my father and I try to repair things, He will never get those years back. He will never deserve the right to “give me away”.  He missed the years of me growing into a woman.  He missed all the tears I shed over stupid boys.  I don’t hate my father, I miss my Dad. I would say that having a Dad abandon you as a child is just as bad, if not worse than, having your Dad die. A dad who dies doesn’t have the choice to come back to his children. A dad who abandoned his children chooses to leave his children and has the choice to return and in most cases doesn’t. My Dad chose to leave. As much as I try and repair what was broken and try to forgive him, I will never forget the pain of having my father choose to leave me, his own flesh and blood.

 I think I need to share this with him. I have never fully expressed this, ever, really. It just kind of all came out. Every time I go see him, it’s never a bad time. I enjoy being there and it feels normal.  I embrace it, but it’s almost fake. After writing this I feel as if things maybe never be repaired unless he knows how leaving me as a child has affected me.  But I, being just like my father, avoid any bit of confrontation. I don’t want tears. I don’t want awkwardness. Someday I’ll tell him. SHOOT maybe he’ll stumble upon my blog.

My hope is someday I won’t feel broken anymore, that this Father/ Daughter relationship with be repaired and that I will be able to trust again. When people say “Oh it’s because she has/ had no Father,” as much as us girls don’t want to be a part of that statistic and as much as we rise above that, it’s true.  When your own father leaves you, how are you ever supposed to trust anyone or have a bit of self-worth?  Every girl needs a Daddy.

Wheww. That felt good. I didn’t even think that when I first started todays blog, that it would lead to emotion spilling over.