Not what I was expecting to write…
I want to blog but can’t seem to muster up anything good, Apologizes. The combination of not having a computer at home and having a lot of down time at work mean that I am discovering all sort of nonsense on the internet that sucks me in and demolishes my brain. I need to figure out some things I can do besides scoping internet mumble jumble. Such mumble jumble would include but not limited too; countless videos on YouTube, Pinterest, People of Walmart, BuzzFeed, Craigslist.
Patience. Sometimes it’s really hard to have patience. It’s so hard explaining stuff that seems so simple to me but it’s like rocket science to someone the people I work with. Like Copy and Pasting. Ugh. It’s not as simple as just telling them to highlight the text you want to copy and then paste where you want to paste. This is how you have to do it:
- Move cursor to beginning of text that you want to highlight
- Left click and hold
- Drag cursor (while still holding left click) to end of text
- Release
- Move cursor so that it is hovering over highlighted text
- Right click
- Select copy
- Move cursor to where you want to paste
- Right click
- Select paste
And even that is complicated. Sounds rudimentary but maybe I am not very good at explaining things. By the way that last sentence was pointless; I just wanted to use that big word.
I wish my creative juices were flowing so that I could write something worth reading. I was tempted to come up with some crazy events and blog about them as if they actually happened but I don’t even have the slightest creative juices flowing to do that.
AH HA! Something finally,
Father/Daughter relationships, something I don’t know much about. Growing up, before the year 2001, I always thought my parents would be together forever. I think that’s every child’s hope. I never thought that I would become a statistic. I imagined growing up and having all these great memories with my dad. Today, I can tell you, I can’t really remember any “great” memories. I can look at pictures and try to remember but I probably couldn’t tell you any awesome stories of crazy stuff my dad and I did. No fishing trips, No stories of him harassing my boyfriends, No father/daughter tattoos, Drivers Ed. taught me how to drive.
My Dad started working overseas when I was 7 maybe 8 ( Mom, correct me if I am wrong) He was gone most of the time. He came back for maybe 2 years when we moved to Nebraska for a job he was offered as a youth pastor. After those 2 years he was back overseas. But even while in Nebraska I can’t really think of any great memories. It makes me really sad. Could it be all the hurt has completely erased all good memories I may have had with my Father? It’s funny how the brain works. 2001 was the year my parents got divorced. “I’m not divorcing you, I’m divorcing your mother” rings true and clear to me. I remember my Dad saying that to me and then quickly vanishing. My mom struggled as a single parent. My Dad was the bread winner and when he left he didn’t leave anything but pain. He failed to support his kids not only financially but emotionally. He hardly ever called, He literally disappeared. It blows me away just thinking about it. He was never a dead beat Dad until he left overseas. It’s as if he completely forgot who he was and his responsibilities as soon as that plane took off. Although we took a huge financial hit as a family due to him not paying child support and am almost thankful he didn’t. I am almost certain that if he paid child support that he would still be overseas. Not paying is what brought him back to the states, unwillingly. His passport was revoked. He eventually made his way back to Arizona, what seems like not that long ago. I don’t remember the exact date but I saw my Dad for the first time since 2001 in-between the year I graduated (2007) and the year my brother graduated (2008). That’s at least 6 years of my life, probably the most crucial, that my Dad missed out on. Not even to mention the years before that where he spent most of his time overseas. Since our first meeting, I’ve been “trying” to work on a relationship with him. It’s really hard to build something from nothing. I am an adult now. I, for the most part, don’t know what it’s like having a Dad, so to try and have one now is really weird. I try to think that I am past the hurt and anger, but I’m not. I more or less just brush it under the rug. Even now I am fighting the tears.
I remember watching my friend Hannah and her Dad dance at her wedding and at first just smiling because she was so beautiful and thinking how lucky she was to have that moment, and then the tears came. I was so sad. That is a moment that I will never experience. No matter how hard my father and I try to repair things, He will never get those years back. He will never deserve the right to “give me away”. He missed the years of me growing into a woman. He missed all the tears I shed over stupid boys. I don’t hate my father, I miss my Dad. I would say that having a Dad abandon you as a child is just as bad, if not worse than, having your Dad die. A dad who dies doesn’t have the choice to come back to his children. A dad who abandoned his children chooses to leave his children and has the choice to return and in most cases doesn’t. My Dad chose to leave. As much as I try and repair what was broken and try to forgive him, I will never forget the pain of having my father choose to leave me, his own flesh and blood.
I think I need to share this with him. I have never fully expressed this, ever, really. It just kind of all came out. Every time I go see him, it’s never a bad time. I enjoy being there and it feels normal. I embrace it, but it’s almost fake. After writing this I feel as if things maybe never be repaired unless he knows how leaving me as a child has affected me. But I, being just like my father, avoid any bit of confrontation. I don’t want tears. I don’t want awkwardness. Someday I’ll tell him. SHOOT maybe he’ll stumble upon my blog.
My hope is someday I won’t feel broken anymore, that this Father/ Daughter relationship with be repaired and that I will be able to trust again. When people say “Oh it’s because she has/ had no Father,” as much as us girls don’t want to be a part of that statistic and as much as we rise above that, it’s true. When your own father leaves you, how are you ever supposed to trust anyone or have a bit of self-worth? Every girl needs a Daddy.
Wheww. That felt good. I didn’t even think that when I first started todays blog, that it would lead to emotion spilling over.